GMP meets Mr. BIG (AKA Bert I. Gordon)

When I first became familiar with Mr.Gordon's work through his brilliantly schlocky "Food of the Gods", I never imagined I would ever get to meet the talented individual behind this engaging tale of rats and roosters and other camp classics like "Earth vs. the Spider", "Empire of the Ants", and "The Magic Sword". Then, one day at work, I was thumbing through the Wisconsin Film Festival Guide when my heart suddenly leaped into my larynx as I discovered that Mr. Gordon would be returning to his alma mater (UW-Madison)to present his personal 35mm print of "The Magic Sword". I was able to get rid of the first half of my shift with no difficulty. On Sunday, April 18th, I arrived on campus about twenty minutes before the film was scheduled to start. There was some initial confusion about where the movie would be screened. Rob Thomas had incorrectly stated in his article on Mr. Gordon that the UW Cinematheque had been relocated to the Memorial Union. Instead, it was in Vilas Hall, where it's been since I took a video production course in that building eight years ago. As soon as I crossed the bridge and saw the line in front of the door to 4070, I realized how naive I'd been to surmise that Mr.Gordon, who has been retired from directing for the past twenty years, does not have much of a fan base anymore. As soon as I took my seat, I glanced to my right and noticed a distinguished-looking older guy sitting almost directly across from me. A quick check on Bing confirmed that this individual was none other than the Sultan of Schlock himself! I sheepishly approached him and told him it would be a great honor if he would autograph my VHS tape of "Food of the Gods".I have nothing but the most profound respect for someone who has made so many important contributions to the genre and still sits with his fans during a screening of one of his films.He gladly obliged and then handed me a business card with information about his autobiography, which filled me with regret for not bringing one of my "IVD" bookmarks that I designed for the LA Times Book Fest with me. I spent almost the entire film mentally kicking myself in the ass for not giving him a bookmark, or better yet, a CD-rom of my screenplay "Bullhead", which deals with aliens, Dillinger's clone, and a giant fish and would have been right up his alley. When I went to work, I was barely able to keep my mind on my customers because I was feeling like such a damn lazy nerd for not embracing what seemed at the time to be an unequivocated marketing opportunity. Mom, as usual, helped me to see the light about this matter and by the time I went to bed that night I knew that I would have been an even bigger nerd, as well as a classless asshole, if I had solicited Mr. Gordon with a bookmark or a CD. The man is 88 years old and he probably has geeks coming up to him all the time at film festivals and conventions asking him to read their scripts and novels. Chances are, if I had stooped to that level, he would have had one of the ushers toss me out on my can and I would have been so mortified that I would never have been able to bring myself to watch one of his movies again. So instead, I contacted him through Facebook about "Bullhead", even though the Cubs have a greater chance of winning the Series this year, than I have for getting Mr. Gordon or one of his associates to take a genuine interest in my work.